This is a post I've meant to put together since I originally started this journal back in July/August. It's nearing the end of 2007, and I figured it was finally time to just get it out there. Here it goes...
When I go deaf / I won't even mind / I'll be all right / I'll be just fine...Ever since I heard the first chords of "Monkey" back in January 2005 I've been deeply infatuated with Low's
The Great Destroyer. I had never heard any of their music prior to that time, and when
Chromewaves posted the song and their raging anticipation of the album, I felt compelled to check it out. When I finally got my mits on the whole album, it's difficult to truly describe how thoroughly immersed I became with the 13 tracks contained within. Hell, it ended up being
my #1 album of the year for 2005.
I'll stay out all night / Looking at the sky / I'll still have my sight / Yeah, I'll still have my eyes...Things had been pretty good in my life through the end of 2005, but as 2006 unfolded my personal life started to unravel. Without getting too far into details, I horribly mishandled things, a relationship I thought could defeat entire galaxies buckled and crumbled from the weight of my own stupid bullshit and a number of other factors. She didn't deserve the situation that ensued, I basically beat the crap out of myself into a stupored silence, and basically every relationship I had suffered or was severed.
And, we will make love / we won't have to fight / we won't have to speak / and we won't have to lie...A year ago this month that relationship ended. It sucked, but it happened and it is what it is. I moved out, things were odd in ways beyond the obvious, and as the finality of things took root I kinda lost my head. For months after I was a complete disaster, just aimless and drifting while at the same time trying to figure out what to do and maintain some front of composure.
And I'll stop writing songs / stop scratching out lines / I won't have to think / and, it won't have to rhyme...As the early months of the year rolled by, I was listening to a lot of Low and Editors, and every time I queued up
The Great Destroyer I kept sticking on "When I Go Deaf". Now, I've always been a sucker for the soft/loud dynamic in concert with a grandiose and sweeping arrangement, and "WIGD" is a prime example. For some reason, as I was driving the back roads of Dane County with my stereo cranked and the freezing cold air whistling by outside, the words from the song seemed to punch through to me more than they ever had before.
When I go deaf / when I go deaf / when I go deaf / when I go deaf...I knew that everything that had gone haywire in my life was due to me letting all the other shit in my life weigh it down. Did I let it all help crush and ultimately destroy the best thing I had going? Maybe, but that was a moot point. That was done, gone, over with, no repair or recovery. So what the hell was I to do going forward became the question, and to an extent I'm still trying to get that figured out. Some day I'll have someone there with me again, someone who won't have to worry about me sabotaging our lives together, who can be there when all is said done and we can just be truly happy. In essence, when we go deaf, when the outside world will no longer matter, when all you need is the one you know loves you just as truly and completely as you love them. Yeah, some day I can be that person... Just not yet...
When I go deaf / when I go deaf / when I go deaf / when I go deaf...![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
